LESSON #16 — HERO vs VILLAIN: The Cost of Being the One Who Tries
- Loretta & David Allseitz
- 20 hours ago
- 4 min read
AKA: Welcome to unpaid labor
PREVIOUS LESSON QUIZ ANSWER
You were asked how to respond when someone consistently frustrates you, crosses boundaries, or creates fallout — then defaults to “I meant well” when it’s addressed.
The correct dark-side answer?
C) Focus the conversation on impact and what needs to change.
Not their intentions.
Not their explanations.
Not how sincere they sound while avoiding responsibility.
Impact is observable.
Patterns are measurable.
Change is verifiable.
“I didn’t mean it like that” isn’t a repair attempt — it’s a disclaimer.
And disclaimers don’t stop behavior.
They just protect the person using them from consequences.
Which brings us directly to today’s lesson —
what effort buys you once it stops being appreciated.
The First Person Who Stops Trying Always Gets Blamed
People like effort.
They like it when someone shows up early, stays late, smooths things over, and fills the gaps no one else wants to deal with.
They call that person “reliable.”
They call that person “strong.”
They call that person “the glue.”
What they don’t call it is what it actually is:
FREE LABOR.
How Trying Quietly Turns Into an Expectation
Effort starts out optional.
At first, you choose to try.
You step in because it feels reasonable.
You adjust because it feels temporary.
You carry more because you assume it won’t always be this way.
And for a while, people notice.
They thank you.
They appreciate you.
They comment on how much they trust you.
Then something shifts — slowly enough that you don’t clock it.
Your effort stops being acknowledged
and starts being relied on.
No one announces this change.
No one asks if you’re okay with it.
It just becomes the default.
Because once you demonstrate that you will carry something, the system reorganizes itself around that fact.
Why Nothing Improves While You’re Trying
This is the part people miss.
Trying doesn’t create progress.
It creates stability.
Your effort doesn’t force anyone else to adjust — it removes the need for them to.
Problems don’t get solved.
They get absorbed.
Tension doesn’t get addressed.
It gets buffered.
Accountability doesn’t arrive.
It gets postponed.
As long as you’re trying, the situation can continue exactly as it is — without consequence.
That’s why the same issues repeat with new packaging.
That’s why apologies sound familiar.
That’s why change is always “coming,” but never here.
Your effort keeps the machine running.
The Lie Heroes Tell Themselves
Heroes believe that effort earns influence.
They think:
“If I keep showing up, eventually this will balance out.”
“If I stay steady, people will meet me there.”
“If I model the right behavior, it’ll catch on.”
That’s not how systems work.
Systems don’t change because someone tries harder.
They change when something breaks.
And heroes are very good at preventing breaks.
What Actually Happens When You Stop Trying
When you finally pull back — even slightly — the reaction is immediate.
Not reflective.
Not curious.
Immediate.
Suddenly:
things feel urgent
problems surface that “weren’t there before”
people want to talk about your behavior
You hear questions like:
“What’s going on with you?”
“Why are you acting like this?”
“Can we talk about what changed?”
What changed is simple:
You stopped compensating.
And now everyone can feel the weight you were carrying for them.
Why You Get Blamed Instead of the System
Here’s the dark-side truth no one likes:
People don’t blame the system that failed.
They blame the person who stopped holding it together.
Not because you caused the problem —but because you were preventing it from being visible.
Your effort was the insulation.
Your patience was the shock absorber.
Your presence was the reason things felt manageable.
Remove that, and the discomfort has to land somewhere.
So it lands on you.
That’s when the villain label appears.
Not because you did something wrong —but because you stopped doing something unsustainable.
The Difference Between Heroes and Villains
Heroes interpret blame as feedback.
They hear:
“People are upset.”
And think:
“Maybe I should explain better.”
“Maybe I should try a different approach.”
“Maybe I should step back in.”
Villains hear the same thing and recognize it for what it is:
The system wants its support beam back.
Villains don’t negotiate with systems that only function when they’re overextended.
They let them fail.
Why Stopping Is the Only Honest Test
Stopping effort doesn’t destroy healthy systems.
It reveals unhealthy ones.
If everything collapses the moment you withdraw,
that collapse was inevitable.
You just postponed it.
Villains understand this.
Heroes keep trying to prove they’re not the problem.
Villains understand they were never the solution.
THE SCENARIO — The Breaking Point
You’ve been doing more than your share for a long time.
You stop.
Not dramatically.
Not angrily.
Just enough that things should still work
if they were ever going to.
They don’t.
Confusion spreads.
Frustration spikes.
Someone finally notices how much you were doing.
And instead of adjusting, they ask why you changed.
This is the moment.
Step back in — or let the truth finish the job.
SURVIVAL QUIZ — The Point of No Return
Dark-side pop quiz time!
Let’s see if you choose survival…
…or die on the hill of “at least I tried.”
THE QUESTION:
When everything unravels the moment you stop compensating,
what’s the actual DARK-SIDE survival move here?
A) Step back in and stabilize it
(Because chaos feels worse than resentment.)
B) Explain why you pulled back
(So you can negotiate permission to stop.)
C) Start trying again, but quieter this time
(Same job. Less credit.)
D) Stay out and see what survives without you
(You didn’t break it. You tested it.)
COMMENT YOUR PICK — the dark-side verdict drops next lesson.
Choose wisely… or stay heroic and enjoy your new unpaid job.
Missed previous lessons? Check them out here: Lessons from the Dark Side 💀
— Loretta
Unmasking Evil
Villains Welcome.
*If you’re drawn to dark truths and the stories they leave behind, start with The Dollmaker of Point on Amazon.
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