LESSON #3 — The Way I Act Depends on You (And That’s Survival, Not Attitude)
- Loretta & David Allseitz
- Dec 5
- 5 min read
Updated: Dec 15
AKA: I’m not unpredictable — I’m responsive. Adjust your energy and mine changes, too.
*PREVIOUS LESSON QUIZ ANSWER*
Before we jump into today’s truth bomb, let’s close the loop on the Lesson 2 quiz.
You were asked how to handle a Confidence Saboteur — the person who comments on your life with the passive-aggressive classic:
“Well… if that makes you happy.”
The acceptable dark-side answers?
C and D.
C (“It does.”) is the clean, controlled response.
D (“Luckily my life isn’t a group project.”) is the feral, confident version.
Both are correct — because both protect your peace, your momentum, and your right to live without a Greek chorus of insecure spectators.
Alright. Time to level up.
LESSON #3 — The Way I Act Depends On You
There’s a phrase people love to throw at anyone with boundaries, backbone, or a functioning nervous system:
“You act different around different people.”
And they say it like it’s an insult.
Like you’re unstable.
Like you’re inconsistent.
Like your personality is a mood ring instead of a mechanism.
But here’s the dark-side reality:
You’re not unpredictable.
You’re responsive.
Your behavior isn’t random — it’s curated.
The version of you someone gets is based entirely on:
how they speak to you
how they treat you
how they respect (or don’t respect) your boundaries
how they handle your honesty
how safe your nervous system feels around them
The way you act depends on them — because that’s survival, not attitude.
People who treat you well get warmth, humor, softness, the chill version.
People who test your patience get bluntness, boundaries, silence, and a stare that could peel paint.
That’s not being “two-faced.”
That’s being adaptive.
A lion isn’t “fake” because it purrs with its cubs and growls at a threat.
Neither are you.
People Who Complain About This Always Share One Trait: They’ve Met the Version of You They Earned.
No one ever complains about “how you act” when they’re on the receiving end of the good version — the version that feels safe enough to joke, soften, relax, open up.
The complaints ONLY come from the ones who:
pushed your boundaries
mishandled your honesty
confused your kindness for weakness
tried to manipulate or guilt-trip
didn’t respect your time, energy, or emotions
They don’t want accountability.
They want consistency — even when they were the ones who changed the environment.
And when you adapt?
They call it attitude.
No, honey.
It’s feedback.
Let’s Break Down the Dark-Side Mechanics
1. “I’m a mirror, not a mascot.”
You’re not here to perform a single static personality for everyone.
You reflect the energy that walks into the room.
If someone doesn’t like your reaction,
they should adjust their approach.
2. “My softness is earned, not automatic.”
You don’t hand out your warmest version like free samples.
Your softness is a privilege, not a default setting.
People who treat it carelessly get frost.
3. “Your energy decides the temperature.”
Respect → Respect
Honesty → Honesty
Chaos → Distance
Manipulation → Bluntness
Disrespect → Silence
You are not obligated to stay approachable to people who behave badly.
4. “Boundaries aren’t attitude.”
People who benefit from your lack of boundaries will ALWAYS call them “attitude.”
Let them.
They're simply informing you they’re no longer getting away with the things they used to.
5. “Two-faced? No. Multilingual.”
You speak different emotional languages depending on the environment.
That’s emotional intelligence — not instability.
People who don’t adapt call adaptable people “difficult.”
People who DO adapt call it survival.
THE SCENARIO — The Person Who Doesn’t Like Their Reflection
Someone in your life — coworker, friend, partner, family member — has finally had enough of you not playing the role they assigned you.
They approach you with the classic guilt-flavored opener:
“You act different with me than you do with other people.”
You already know what’s coming.
They’re not here for insight.
They’re here for control.
You stay calm, because your dark side is checking the receipts:
They interrupt you constantly.
They only show up when they need something.
They react defensively when you’re honest.
They don’t respect your boundaries.
They drain your energy without replenishing a drop.
Of course they get a different version of you.
They earned it.
You look at them and say:
“I match the energy I’m given. If you want a different version of me, try a different approach.”
Silence.
They weren’t ready for accountability.
They wanted access — not self-awareness.
This is the moment where your “attitude” becomes a mirror.
And they do NOT like the reflection.
SURVIVAL QUIZ
Dark-side pop quiz time!
Let’s see if you choose survival...
or melt like cheap mascara the second someone expects your nicest self while giving you their bargain-bin behavior.
THE QUIZ SCENARIO — The “Why Are You Acting Different?” Trap
It’s an ordinary day.
You’re minding your business, hydrating, scrolling, living your peaceful little villain-in-recovery life…
when suddenly—
PING.
A message from someone who has been giving you attitude, draining your energy, and treating you like a part-time emotional support animal for months.
You open the message and see:
“Why are you acting different with me lately?”
Ah.
The classic guilt-flavored booby trap.
Your dark side stretches like a cat that just remembered it has claws.
Because you KNOW what’s coming:
They don’t want a real answer.
They don’t want accountability.
They don’t want to reflect on their own behavior.
You sit there staring at the message, thinking:
Why do people always notice your “distance” but never their behavior that caused it?
Why do people demand your warm version while giving you their coldest energy?
And why does EVERYONE act shocked when your personality adjusts to match the environment THEY created?
Your survival instincts kick in:
This is a setup. Choose wisely.
Because you KNOW:
If you over-explain, they’ll weaponize your honesty.
If you apologize, they’ll expect you to stay soft forever.
If you ignore it, they’ll escalate.
And if you tell the truth… well… someone’s ego is going to need a medic.
Congrats, you’ve reached another dark-side decision point.
THE QUESTION:
What’s the actual DARK-SIDE survival move here?
Choose carefully:
A) Over-explain why your behavior changed so they feel reassured.
(Translation: gift-wrapping your boundaries for someone who won’t respect them anyway.)
B) Apologize for being “distant.”
(Because nothing says survival like rewarding bad behavior. Absolutely not.)
C) Respond:
“I react to how I’m treated. Respect changes everything.”
(Direct. Balanced. Impossible to argue without exposing themselves.)
D) Reply:
“If you don’t like the version of me you’re getting, try the one your behavior earns.”
(Feral. Honest. Nobel Prize–level emotional accuracy.)
COMMENT YOUR PICK — the official dark-side answer gets revealed at the start of Lesson 4.
No pressure… but choose wrong and I’m judging you silently.
-Loretta
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